Grief - that loss over change - heals and shifts with work over time. It never leaves but it changes. It's ongoing. Deeper losses may leave the griever feeling numb and unable to function for the first few months. Friends, neighbors, and co-workers truly want to help or give a gift that will matter, but aren't sure how.

Traditional gifts of flowers or a casserole all given at once have some comfort, but then a few months later s/he is sitting alone dealing with grief on their own.

This list can gift a gift that doesn't just end up in the trash.

1) Delayed or Regular Notes
Grief tends to last far longer than the support. Most of the support wanes after two months, long before the worst of the grief hits.

Send cards, notes, and mail a few months after the loss and then send them regularly so the person knows you still care. Simple cards that are pretty or funny just to send love are perfect.

2) House Cleaning
You can never have too much help cleaning. People will NEVER admit that they need this help, and sometimes may be too embarrassed to let you into their home to see how badly it's needed. If they have been caring for a parent, spouse, or another person, especially long term, they definitely haven't been able to keep up with their own cleaning needs, too, so this gift is great during anticipatory grief as well as acute grief after a death.

After a divorce or death, the emotions can get overwhelming and stay that way for a long time. Grief often feels like fatigue or depression and it's hard to find the energy to care about the bathtub or other deep cleaning care so cleaning as a gift from yourself (just jump right in) or a professional service in the area will go further than you can imagine. handy.com can be a resource or look up options online for local pros. 

Cleaning doesn't have to mean a full house/apartment clean (although how wonderful this could be every few months). If you're at a friends jump in and fold laundry, do the dishes, wash the floor, take out the recycling, or whatever is obvious.

3) Lawn Care
Along with the interior house care, there's the outside to manage. While some might manage to get the lawn mowed, they may not be able to do weeding, edging, or the more detailed work that helps the house feel like a sanctuary instead of  a to-do list. Winter means shoveling and snow removal on a constant basis and it's easy for ice to build up, too.

You can jump in yourself, or hire a local company for the more serious jobs. Also keep in mind that hiring local kids to do this work can be a fantastic win-win solution. Whether they need customers for their business or community service hours for their school or organization, having local young people do this work can build some connections and sense of community that helps in healing, too.

For those grieving who live in apartments, there's still a level of exterior care they can enjoy help with. Patios need sweeping, plants need freshening, windows and sliding doors always can be helped by a good clean.

4) Massage or Spa Gift Certificate 
Chances are pretty high that the person grieving with death, divorce, move, or job change has also lost some physical touch in their life. A certificate from spafinder.com or soothe.com can help with that. This is a wonderful gift to get months after the loss, or even on a regular basis. 

If the person is uncomfortable with massage or spa services, consider paying for some services at their hair salon (go with them or simply pay in advance so they get a pleasant surprise when they go to pay) or a manicure with an extra few moments of hand massage.

5) Grocery or Meal Delivery gift card
Everyone needs to eat. Getting a gift card to a local grocery store Trader Joe's, Safeway, Publix, or Wegman's for example can make it easy to get some fresh food in the house on a week when their energy is low. It's nice too when they want simple food but not necessarily a full meal. Great for filling their shopping cart a little extra and often delivery can be covered, too.

Buying a gift card for a meal delivery service such as DoorDash or UberEats can also give people a variety of options to use when they don't have the energy to cook or plan ahead.

Bonus: Listen
People in grief have broken hearts not broken brains. They don't need to be fixed or offered solution. Often they just need to be heard without solution or judgment. People going through divorce or a breakup really appreciate support for their grief instead of "relationship problems." Lend a listening ear without the need to put any band-aids on them and that will be a help.

Lightening the Load
Simply remembering that grief lasts longer than a few months and that it takes a lot of energy can be a help to someone dealing with loss of any kind. This is why we offer ongoing grief meetings so that people can continue to heal and process grief in their time, not on a calendar schedule. Giving a gift that helps them handle their daily chores can make a big difference in making their load lighter. True connection is the greatest gift we can give.

Today touches the hearts of all Americans in a deeper way than any other. For those who were alive and old enough to remember September 11, 2021 it brings up specific memories and, likely, trauma of the actual terrorist attacks. It touches on grief for people we lost and also the sense of safety and ease that many lost. Trauma and grief once again showing up and opening our broken hearts.

It's helpful to have each other to remember together. To witness each other and say "yes, I remember, too. How was it for you?"

And we also can remember the love, strength, and bravery that was shown that day and in the years afterwards. Many of the actions and support that came from that day were of drawing together.

Today I will be hosting a few friends over for a simple potluck supper of Thanksgiving. We'll share a meal and gratitude as well as the comfort of each other's company as we walk through grief together and have joy.

Grief isn't about forgetting and sadness, anger, and other uncomfortable or conflicting feelings will come up like roundhouse kicks to the head when we least expect it. And we can find connection, love, and joy in our lives, too. Grief doesn't have to own us simply because it's a part of our lives. We choose to grieve and to love.

Peace be with you today.

Much love,
​Laura